Welcome to Paradise

I hate when I get lost in my head...it's like being stuck in a room with no windows and no lights on...it's black whether my eyes are open or closed. I try to feel around but no matter which direction I turn I hit something...there’s never a clear path, and even if there is I can't see it so it really doesn't matter if it's there.

Hope is trying to find the path. Hope is for suckers.

Stubborn tenacity is moving all of the shit out of the way, in the dark, and finding the door. Finding the light.

I’ve done both, along with sitting in the dark, holding myself, telling myself I turned off the lights, and not allowing myself to try to find a way out. I’ve cried, I’ve screamed, I’ve thrown paint, remote controls, dishes, tables and anything else within reach. All in the dark.

I’ve defined myself by my thoughts, by the disease I was told I have, by the money I knew was never there, by the God I was told existed, by the choices and words of others, and most of all by the absence of key players in my game of life. I allowed my tablet to be scribbled on, written and rewritten by those around me who say one thing and at times write another.

I was defined by my need for acceptance, love and companionship. There was never a clear definition of who I was. There were only labels. Slut, bad mother, undependable, worthless, unpredictable, loved, original, thief, manipulator, freak, bitch, adored, weird, spoiled, ugly, beautiful; this was my definition. The one I was given by the people that have come in and out of my life. The one I accepted for nearly a quarter century.

When I stopped accepting these labels and rewrote my definition all hell broke loose.

I have one truth. The road to self reliance, self acceptance and self worth runs straight through hell.